Owing to my chaotic childhood, I found myself drawn towards people without giving much thought to who they were or what their motives might be. I craved to be loved, accepted, endorsed and found that I would give of myself completely to every woman I had a relationship with.

My mother died under tragic circumstances at the wheel of her van as it drove off of a cliff. She had been abused by her husband, (my father) as well as all of the boyfriends that came after the divorce because she wanted to be an emancipated woman. At that point in history (the 60’s and 70’s) women took a real risk to do that. My mother was one of those women.

I witnessed a few violent episodes she was subjected to that left me committed to supporting and protecting any woman I found myself with. It was my mission to empower women and help them be whatever it was they wanted to be because my father, the patriarch that he was, would not allow my mother to be anything other than what he wanted her to be. In my view women could do no wrong.

When my parents split up, I was left with nothing but remorse. A child cannot but feel that it is their fault and they end up always seeking acceptance and reassurance. I have always been an achieve-a-holic, looking to my partner to pat me on the head and help me celebrate when I finish a task.

After spending 3 years in a bus with my wife and 7 years in a marriage, I discovered that I had been grossly taken advantage of during that time. She didn’t seem to appreciate my tenacity and abilities. She was happy to benefit from them, but never gave me the satisfaction of being truly supportive of what I was doing. So I would go and try to do more and more and more.

I discovered that I had been addicted to the relationship for all the wrong reasons. And it wasn’t the first time. After the marriage failed, I looked back at what had happened in my previous relationships and noticed a trend. It appears that my sensitivity attracts covert narcissists in the grandest order that needed to control me. That they could see my need to help and support and did what they could to take advantage of it. After I had been attacked and injured in 2019, the mother of my child decided that it would be best for her to abandon me. Turns out she had a violent temper and anger management issues. My addiction to needing to be loved and accepted had become dangerous.

I have never been addicted to drugs. Except grass. I smoke grass, but not for the last three months while I was compiling this opus.